There seems to be some confusion regarding the difference between acknowledgement – telling the truth – and expressing your judgements. Some people seem to think that expressing a “negative” or “critical” truth is judgement and therefore not appropriate to express. Not so. What determines whether you are judging is whether or not you believe that whatever is occurring (or whoever is involved) is right or wrong; good or bad; negative or positive; better or worse. Judgement is the polarising value we place on whatever is occurring, not the thing itself. It’s a context that we come from and is largely based in fear, not love.

The net result of judging everything that occurs is that you create a polarised position in relation to that which you are judging. That very polarity creates tension and ultimately the whole attack/defend pendulum gets set in motion.

For example: If I have arranged to meet someone at midday and they show up at 2pm, telling the truth to that person could go something like: “We agreed to meet at midday and you are 2 hours late. I feel disappointed and frustrated right now.”

The judgement piece comes in when you believe that it is wrong for someone to show up late and they are wrong for doing that.

For example: “We agreed to meet at midday and you are 2 hours late. What’s wrong with you that you can’t keep a simple appointment? It’s not ok for you to do this to me. Blah, blah, blah… ” (you know the drill!).

And don’t get me started on the “No judgement but…” conversation. That’s just a sleazy way of making others wrong while appearing to be “enlightened” and detached. Yeah, right. If you think saying “no judgement but…” gives you licence to dump your judgemental “truth” all over someone else, think again. The most powerful thing you can do when you find yourself judging is to acknowledge it eg: “I am judging (you/me/what’s occurring) right now and I am feeling upset/angry/frustrated (whatever it is). Then choose how you want to respond rather than go looking for agreement about your judgements.

The truth is, you judge, I judge, everybody judges. We judge every day in many ways – both large and small, covert and overt, extreme and subtle. Recognise that you do judge and rather than judge yourself for that, love yourself, tell the truth and be responsible for your truth and your judgements.