When you have an experience of being misunderstood or are accused of “not understanding”, take a moment to consider that there is something missing that just might make sense of whatever is perceived as “mis-understood”.

Yet when faced with the feelings that accompany misunderstanding, you probably go straight to reacting, protecting and defending and nothing changes.

In the paradigm of cause, understanding starts with a willingness to accept that whatever is happening and however you are reacting to it, there is something else going on under the surface that, when acknowledged, changes everything.

And to know this you only have to look at your own experience of being mis-understood.

What occurs is you say or do something that produces a reaction you do not like/did not expect. Then you push back – usually with the words: “You don’t understand!” and start explaining why the other is wrong for not “getting it/you”. Of course, the blame game never creates resolution, so round and round you go, feeling mis-understood and blaming the other.

When you accept that there was something missing in your original communication which produced the reaction, you can then respond by communicating explicitly and clearly the missing bits. And if you want to know where to look it’s usually that you did not give context before the content so the other makes up what they think you meant.

You have your own very sound reasons for everything you do/say … and so does everyone else. Mis-understanding occurs when you fail to communicate the whole of what’s going on – particularly how you feel – and what you want as a response.

If you want to understand and be understood, say what you mean, ask the other what they mean and respond to the whole communication … and you will understand.

It can be frustrating to communicate something important and not be understood. And just saying it louder, or slower doesn’t do much to increase understanding!

So when you feel you are not being heard or understood … ask yourself: “What am I NOT saying?”

Remember mis-understood is a myth!

Although it feels real … “you don’t understand … they just don’t get it” … it is not. Whatever is understood is a direct result of what you have communicated (or not!). The response you get is showing you not only what you have communicated but also what you have not. The key to understanding and being understood lies in the reaction/response because, in the absence of explicit meaning, everyone gives their own meaning to whatever is being communicated. Your reaction/response shows the meaning you are giving to what is being said. And so it is with everyone.

The response you get shows you what the other thinks/feels you meant and when you react to the feedback/response with: “But I didn’t mean it that way,” what you are showing yourself is what you didn’t say. You didn’t say what meaning you meant! When you allow the feedback/response to show you what you have communicated (and what’s missing), you can then respond in a way that makes clear what you meant to say.

If you want to be understood, communicate the context before you blah all the content and say what you mean: openly, honestly, clearly directly and completely. When you respond to whatever comes back from the context, you will get the response you want and you will experience being understood the way you meant.