I have been living with the bunnies. Not just down the rabbit hole but I moved into the whole rabbit warren! And there I have stayed for a long time.

Although I kept telling myself, “I’m ok” (and I am) I haven’t felt ok … not really. I went down the rabbit hole of worry and stress in my relentless thinking mind and have simply traded one burrow for another over and over again.

It took a very robust and frank conversation with a loving friend over breakfast to finally get real and present to what I was actually doing, thinking and feeling. And it was hard to listen and accept what was being offered: That I have been disconnected and not myself, impacting those I love and care for by denying the whole truth and putting on a mask of “I’m ok, really I am”.

I cried a lot and felt myself resisting and pushing back hard. I didn’t want it to be true. After all I am a coach, I support people to love themselves, tell the truth and be responsible and I have my own coach … so I couldn’t be in this place … could I?

The answer … a resounding “yes!”

Thankfully, my friend didn’t back down or shy away from giving me her whole truth.

When I got home after breakfast I was deeply unsettled. I felt untethered and adrift and lost in a sea of unacknowledged feelings … feelings I had been avoiding. Angry, hurt, scared, sad and ashamed of myself for letting it get to this.

My relentless ego mind kept chattering away saying: “you can just choose again, it’s simple … why don’t you just transform this, you can you know”… and on and on. Tempting as it was to delude myself, I knew that if I truly wanted to experience something different, first I need to fully feel and acknowledge what was going on. Only then would I experience something else.

I spent the rest of the day sitting in a sea of discomfort and pain and shame, letting myself feel my feelings. Not all at once but rather bit by bit.

I cried a lot, I raged, I sat and let the energy move until it was too much. Then I sat some more and on it went as I navigated this messy uncomfortable human gig.

So, I sat and let the energy move. And what I became aware of is the more I simply accepted and allowed the process to unfold, the more space I created between the relentless thoughts … and I started to remember who I am … powerful, loving, creative and always ok even when I am feeling anything but.

And I knew the next step was to let myself be where I am without pushing or trying to make anything change, to accept this is what is so right now, this is how I am feeling and as my friend reminded me, “your feelings are not facts” (ouch!).

Tough to be called to account for being a messy human particularly when my ego mind kept saying “you should know better than this!”

Truth is, allowing myself to fully feel those feelings has resulted in a deeper sense of peace than ever before.