When was the last time you asked someone for help? I know you probably give a lot but when did you last ask and allow someone to help you?

Some years ago, I became aware of my own reluctance to ask for help. I told myself it didn’t matter and really it didn’t … until it did. I began to notice the mind chatter that said: “I should be able to handle this myself” and “Asking for help shows I’m not ok”. I became aware of an old, very firmly-held belief insisting that asking for help was a symbol of weakness – not good enough – and an inability to cope with life. With that firmly in place I stumbled about, ignoring lots of help along the way and doing it by myself! Not much difference.

Whenever I did ask for help (but not too much mind you!)I noticed I always asked indirectly. Then rather than simply open myself to receive what was offered, I went into hyper-control mode around how, what, when, where and with whom I would allow myself to be helped! You know what I mean … the whole “yes, but…” conversation! It was not very satisfying … for anyone.

I then realised asking indirectly for help came from a belief that if I was really explicit and clear about what I actually wanted/needed, I would be perceived as asking for too much. The thought of actually paying someone to help me was (in my mind) absolute proof that I was not ok. The net result of this behaviour: I did not get what I really wanted and the person (or people) helping me were also left feeling unappreciated. Then the “Ah hah!” moment: The “not good enough” stuff was still running the show and we all know how that works out … more “not good enough” and the game continued.

When I finally asked for help to change this pattern I saw and felt the old paradigm of fear … the fear that I was still somehow “not good enough” to have what I want. After about 12 months of regular counselling/coaching, I had more and more experience that it’s not true! I was encouraged and supported to remember who I am, to choose to ask for and receive help the same way I give it – openly, honestly, directly, clearly and completely. When I started asking directly for what I wanted, the old feelings still came up, but rather than agree with them, I chose to breathe and let go and remember who I am. And the more I practise, the easier it gets.

Today asking for help and receiving it is as satisfying as giving it.

Recently I became aware of an insidious habit I had developed from fear – specifically my need to control. Another old paradigm habit to let go of!

It came to light when my mother, sister and niece came to stay recently. In their desire to help and support me while visiting – I was working for a lot of the time, they kept asking if there was anything they could do for me, like shopping when they were out and about or sweeping the kitchen floor or tidying up. Small things that can make a big difference, if I let it!

I found myself feeling agitated and on automatic response (reaction!): “No, thanks, I’m fine, don’t worry about it” I would say. Then I began to notice how my response was received. They were disappointed. I thought I was “sparing” them from having to do stuff for me, stuff I am perfectly capable of doing all by myself and for myself, as I do most of the time. I then realised that my automatic push away of their desire to give something to me succeeded in communicating the exact opposite of what I consciously intended.

I knew there was more to this dynamic for me than I was conscious of, so I reflected on my behaviour and asked myself this question: “What is going on underneath this? What is this really about for you?” I decided to simply observe the conversation in my head without any judgement (positive or negative) and see what came up. And I got it: my fear of others’ feeling obliged to do things for me, my reluctance to receive something I feel I haven’t “earned” is directly connected to my not good enough stuff. And it’s simply not the truth about me (or any of us), it’s an old habit that I can choose to let go of. When I got this, my energy shifted and I felt more peaceful.

Just before my family left, I started saying “yes” to their requests to help me. I felt happy and so did they!