Although I kept telling myself, “I’m ok” (and I am) I haven’t felt ok … not really. I went down the rabbit hole of worry and stress in my relentless thinking mind and have simply traded one burrow for another over and over again.

It took a very robust and frank conversation with a loving friend over breakfast to finally get real and present to what I was actually doing, thinking and feeling. And it was hard to listen and accept what was being offered: That I have been disconnected and not myself, impacting those I love and care for by denying the whole truth and putting on a mask of “I’m ok, really I am”.

I cried a lot and felt myself resisting and pushing back hard. I didn’t want it to be true. After all I am a coach, I support people to love themselves, tell the truth and be responsible and I have my own coach … so I couldn’t be in this place … could I?

The answer … a resounding “yes!”

Thankfully, my friend didn’t back down or shy away from giving me her whole truth.

When I got home after breakfast I was deeply unsettled. I felt untethered and adrift and lost in a sea of unacknowledged feelings … feelings I had been avoiding. Angry, hurt, scared, sad and ashamed of myself for letting it get to this.

My relentless ego mind kept chattering away saying: “you can just choose again, it’s simple … why don’t you just transform this, you can you know”… and on and on. Tempting as it was to delude myself, I knew that if I truly wanted to experience something different, first I need to fully feel and acknowledge what was going on. Only then would I experience something else.

I spent the rest of the day sitting in a sea of discomfort and pain and shame, letting myself feel my feelings. Not all at once but rather bit by bit.

I cried a lot, I raged, I sat and let the energy move until it was too much. Then I sat some more and on it went as I navigated this messy uncomfortable human gig.

So, I sat and let the energy move. And what I became aware of is the more I simply accepted and allowed the process to unfold, the more space I created between the relentless thoughts … and I started to remember who I am … powerful, loving, creative and always ok even when I am feeling anything but.

And I knew the next step was to let myself be where I am without pushing or trying to make anything change, to accept this is what is so right now, this is how I am feeling and as my friend reminded me, “your feelings are not facts” (ouch!).

Tough to be called to account for being a messy human particularly when my ego mind kept saying “you should know better than this!”

Truth is, allowing myself to fully feel those feelings has resulted in a deeper sense of peace than ever before.

I know a whole year has passed without me producing or sending you a newsletter. I fully intended to get back to a regular offering earlier this year … then my life and world changed in ways that I did not expect. As a messy human I was rattled and found it hard to be with myself and my feelings and thoughts. WTF??

And yet, I managed to find ways to navigate all the messiness and find the wonder amidst the chaos and fear and pain.

So here I am, ready to share what has been a powerful year of personal health challenges, professional amazement and loving support from so many people.

In March I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was shocked and scared. I did not see it coming and started to wonder what it meant for me and what I could do to get rid of it. My doctor reassured me it was found very early (thanks to regular mammograms), was very small, easily removed and most likely contained. My surgeon was also confident and recommended I have surgery asap, then the protocol was most likely Chemotherapy, Radiotherapy and Hormone Therapy.

My body’s response was: Yes to surgery, No to chemo, maybe radio and hormone.

I had the surgery in late April and when I went to the oncologist in May, he said that chemo was not warranted in my case. When I told him I got a clear “no” from my body when it was first mentioned, he said “You can trust your body, and you know that, don’t you?” I was happy to get this reassurance and yes, I did know.

I had radio therapy in July which was challenging and uncomfortable and so far, successful. I started hormone therapy and for 5 weeks; it was awful. When I asked about the statistical benefits, it was minimal and my body said, “stop”, so I did.

My recovery has taken much longer that I expected. I had relentless fatigue from the radiotherapy and some discomfort from the surgery scars healing. I have kept working which has been wonderful for my mental/emotional health and I am profoundly grateful that I can work from home, in my PJ’s if need be. Thank you much, beautiful Maxine for always being there and supporting me every day. And thank you Rae for your patience and holding space for me to create the next newsletter when I am ready.

At the same time, I have been having regular sessions with my coach, Jenny McFadden. an Intuition mentor and Quantum Healing Facilitator and have uncovered some pervasive family patterns and beliefs that are at the core of this for me. It’s an ongoing process and I am committed to keep going deeper to heal from the inside out. I also work regularly with my meditation coach, Dorje who supports me to remember Who I Am and to BE here now.

Now it is almost the end of the year and I am still experiencing some residue effects of all of this and feeling annoyed and frustrated that I don’t feel 100%. Then I was reminded by my fabulous massage angel Gabriella Furtenbach that I have been through a huge process this year and it will take as long as it takes to feel fully like myself again. Thank you! My relentless thinking mind is impatient and I am grateful for the reminders.

The love and support I have received from family, friends and clients has been simply wonderful. For the most part, I have allowed myself to reach out and ask for what I want and need and have been receiving it fully. Thank you all.

It’s been challenging to let myself be taken care of and I have struggled with feeling vulnerable. It’s an ongoing process for me, and most of the time I choose to get curious rather than furious which definitely helps.

As this year draws to a close, I am profoundly grateful for all of my experiences and for my whole life, even the bits I don’t like or enjoy, knowing that everything is purposeful.

I am taking a break from work and my usual routine from December 19th – January 13th and intend to go with the flow and accept, allow and appreciate whatever I choose, whatever occurs.

I wish you and yours a beautiful, loving holiday season filled with wonder and joy.

See you in the new year!

The world today is not like it was … even a year ago. The rate of technological change is breathtaking for this baby boomer and I gave up attempting to understand it all or even keep on top of it over this past year.

I have become more accepting and comfortable with being an older person who chooses to use the technology the way I want to, when I want to, rather than feeling compelled to engage in and on every platform and share everything with everyone, all the time. I have family and friends who keep urging me to try this or that and I keep saying no.

I have moments of feeling not good enough because I won’t engage in social media and the conversation in my head says: “come on, you are just being old and stubborn without even having a go … you should just try it … you can do this … etc etc”. And it’s true … I could do it, I just don’t want to!

To tell the truth about what’s so for me from my knowing, before my relentless ego mind kicks in with the “but you should …” commentary, takes practice. When I go with the flow of my knowing, things work out differently than when I agree with my “shoulds” and go down the rabbit hole of doing what I think other’s want and need from me, rather than what I want for me.

When I trust myself and what I know and make choices for me first and then you, everyone benefits and life is sweeter.

It’s taken a long while to really be ok with doing what I want when I want and it’s a relentless part of the messy human experience. Others don’t always like it and that’s something I have been accepting more and more too.

What’s key is me accepting and owning it’s ok for me.

And it’s ok for you too.

I am taking a break over the festive season from December 20th to January 12th. I am going to rest, and rest, and rest some more … It’s been a big year for me in so many ways and I am glad I can take the time to stop and BE with no agendas or have to’s.

See you in 2025.

I am still reeling over the spate of violence in my city, in my country and in the world that has been all over the news in recent weeks. The messy human me is feeling all of it acutely … shocked, scared and very, very sad.

And I know there is a huge opportunity for me and you and everyone to make a considerable difference to this dynamic, if I am willing to feel my feelings and let them go … and get present to what I know is possible when I remember WHO I AM in the matter and what’s possible when I respond from love rather than agreeing with my fear.

I have worked with a lot of people over the past 40 years who have experienced various levels of domestic violence and it’s shattering consequences.  Almost everyone I have questioned about when they first knew something was off, not ok or just plain dangerous, the response has been “… way before something violent occurred … but I thought it was just me being paranoid or me saying or doing something I shouldn’t have …”

That’s when things get really messy because when I choose to agree with my fearful ego mind, that it’s my fault rather than something I can be responsible for, I will fight hard to prove I am good enough by staying in the situation and doing whatever I can to be better, do better and make things ok.

It doesn’t work and often results in the sort of violent behaviour that ends in increased abuse, violence and ultimately, tragedy.

So what can I do differently?

First and foremost remember: I create the whole of my own reality which means I am responsible for what occurs and how I respond. When I trust what I know, (not what I think or feel, what I know)* , when I pay attention to the “niggle” that something is off, I tell someone, I ask for help and take action to take care of myself first …  from love. When I choose to love myself and trust what I know … love for myself first and foremost, I can change what happens next.

It’s not easy and if I am willing to trust when I know something is not ok, in spite of any hard evidence and in spite of my thinking mind pushing back hard. When I am willing to speak up and take action consistent with what I know rather than what I fear, I am firmly centred in the paradigm of BEING cause and therefore able to respond from love and create something different in the next moment.

And you can too.

* If you want to know more, Jenny’s book and website are the place to go!

No matter what is going on, whether it be inside me or outside me, I get to choose the thoughts I think, the feelings I feel, the choices I make and the actions I take.

And so do you.

Right now, the world is reflecting all the fearful thinking we messy humans relentlessly engage in and agree with on a daily basis.

I don’t control anything going on outside of me … and I can choose whether I agree with my fearful thoughts or acknowledge them, I can choose to remember I am choosing them (even though it doesn’t feel like it because mostly it’s deeply unconscious and automatic) and then I can choose, I can decide whether I am going to keep thinking/feeling this way or let them go.

It’s not easy and it is possible with rigour and practice.

What it takes is my willingness to BE the cause of everything that I am experiencing.

To stop … take a breath and BE here now, in my body.

To remember WHO I AM is powerful, and loveable, and valuable and creative (even though I don’t always show up that way) and then consciously choose … the thoughts I think, the feelings I feel, the choices I make in response and the actions I take as a result.

I choose peace, and joy and love.