Here I AM

Here I AM

Five years ago, I was at my gym, chatting happily to a friend when I heard another friend call out “shshh Lorna!”

My reaction was immediate, deep and all pervasive … I felt ashamed.

Waves of emotion washed through me … I felt I had just done something shameful in a public place … I felt humiliated for being publicly called out and I felt the pain of a very old decision: That being myself fully self-expressed was not ok.

It took everything I had to not get up and run out the door. I wanted to and yet I knew that this was something I needed to face. So I finished my workout and went to coffee as usual with my friends … including the woman who had called out “shshh”. I didn’t speak, I sat mute, wrestling with all my feelings … wanting to scream like a wounded child: “Why did you do that to me?” yet being too scared to say anything for fear of being shamed again. Then someone asked me what was going on and why I was so quiet and I said: “Because SHE (pointing) told me to shut-up … And by the way don’t you ever do that again!” Her reaction was not what I was expecting … and I am forever grateful for her response because what happened next changed everything …

She said “Oh get off it Lorna, I am not responsible for your childhood stuff … you are.”

That said … I got up, ran to my car, got in and sat there sobbing … completely overwhelmed with shame and pain and feeling to blame for everything,  I just sat and cried.

At the same time, I was aware that my feelings of being wrong and ashamed were not about what had just happened. My reaction was not about that incident but to something much deeper. So I asked myself: “What’s really going on?” and I remembered a story we used to laughingly tell within the family about how I got my mouth taped up at school for talking too much in class. When my mother went to school and told them they couldn’t tape my mouth up, I was made to stand at the front of the classroom and literally hold my tongue out of my mouth between my fingers.

I was six years old.

I realised it wasn’t funny. It wasn’t something to be laughed off as having no impact.

In fact, the impact it had on me was profound. I decided that being told or made to shut-up was because there was something wrong with me and if I let myself fully show up, I would be punished.

And there it was … the not good enough story set in stone. The result: living as though I had to prove I was ok, worthy, valuable, lovable. Endlessly seeking external validation so that I felt safe enough to show up and BE me. Wearing lots of different masks depending on who I was with and how I thought I needed to be to be accepted, liked … even loved.

The endless loop of doing more and better so that I could feel better never delivered what I sought … to know I was ok. To be at peace with myself.

In 1986 I consciously began my journey of personal development and over the past 35 years I have developed a deep appreciation for the magical, mystical, messy amazingness of being human. I have immersed myself in the paradigm of cause: I Create the Whole Of My Own Reality as a willing participant, coach, mentor and guide.  First and foremost I have chosen to use myself as my own laboratory, being open and honest with my own process, willing to see myself as cause rather than as the victim of what I experience … even when I feel like a victim. And as fast as I learn it, to share it with you.

Which brings me to now.

Launching is the next step in the process of me fully BEING me in the world.

What exploded in me 5 years ago was the catalyst for me realising that it erupted because I was ready to feel the feelings and let them go. I was ready to release the old decision and story that I was somehow fundamentally wrong and choose here and now to BE ME. To remember that I am ok … I am lovable … I am valuable … because I am … and nothing I do or don’t do can alter that.

Time to step-up and BE WHO I KNOW I AM  and even though I don’t always feel ok,  I AM.

So the past few years I have been processing and creating and getting wonderful support from my family, my friends, my clients, my team and my coaches to show up and BE me in the world.

What unfolded has been simply amazing. I attended a Brand Workshop put on by SHE Business facilitated by the brilliant Mary van de Wiel and out of that came the framework for my new website, my tag line (thank you Rachel Bourke of SalesSpace for nailing it) and a whole lot of possibilities for how I could show up honestly and openly being me.

As I continued to feel and heal, more and more pieces of the puzzle came together … I realised I could keep Open Up Communication as a suite of workshop products, videos and blogs under the new brand so that’s what I have done.  Maxine Lynch, my PA and Rae Stanton from Accurate Expressions worked beautifully together to create the new website and all the new material. And the whole process has been at my pace, which has been wonderful. I feel truly blessed to be so loved and supported by you all … thank you very much.

The process of becoming and being is relentless … it’s not somewhere to get to but rather a moment by moment choice to BE who I am, here and now.

I haven’t got it all worked out … in fact I have let go of the notion that there is anything to work out …

And here I AM:

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