Your human propensity to judge is hardwired. You need to be able to judge (discern) things in order to survive. However when your ability to judge becomes enmeshed with your own “not good enough” story it becomes a pervasive primary filter that informs how you see yourself, others and the world.

Here’s a simple test to see who’s really judging you:

• How often are you concerned or convinced that others are judging you?
• How often do you think you are being judged?

If you answered never, leave a comment sharing how you do it.

If you answered rarely, sometimes, often or always … keep reading …

When you think others are judging you … who’s thinking that? Think about it … Who’s thinking others are judging you? That’s right … you are!

And when you think others are judging you, if that is the filter you look through, you’ll gather evidence to prove you are right … you will feel judged because that is what you are doing to yourself.

Changing your filter from one of critical self-judgement to one of loving acceptance is simple although not easy at first.

Start by interrupting the flow of toxic thoughts as soon as you become aware of them. Then challenge their validity by saying to yourself “Thanks for the reminder…it’s not true that I am not good enough…this is an old story that has served its purpose and right now I choose to remember who I really am – I am ok, I am loveable and valuable because I am”. You may have to do this many, many times at first and if you persist, you will notice the thoughts don’t come up so often, so fully or linger for as long. And one day you will notice that the once pervasive “not good enough” rant is a merely a whisper.

There seems to be some confusion regarding the difference between acknowledgement – telling the truth – and expressing your judgements. Some people seem to think that expressing a “negative” or “critical” truth is judgement and therefore not appropriate to express. Not so. What determines whether you are judging is whether or not you believe that whatever is occurring (or whoever is involved) is right or wrong; good or bad; negative or positive; better or worse. Judgement is the polarising value we place on whatever is occurring, not the thing itself. It’s a context that we come from and is largely based in fear, not love.

The net result of judging everything that occurs is that you create a polarised position in relation to that which you are judging. That very polarity creates tension and ultimately the whole attack/defend pendulum gets set in motion.

For example: If I have arranged to meet someone at midday and they show up at 2pm, telling the truth to that person could go something like: “We agreed to meet at midday and you are 2 hours late. I feel disappointed and frustrated right now.”

The judgement piece comes in when you believe that it is wrong for someone to show up late and they are wrong for doing that.

For example: “We agreed to meet at midday and you are 2 hours late. What’s wrong with you that you can’t keep a simple appointment? It’s not ok for you to do this to me. Blah, blah, blah… ” (you know the drill!).

And don’t get me started on the “No judgement but…” conversation. That’s just a sleazy way of making others wrong while appearing to be “enlightened” and detached. Yeah, right. If you think saying “no judgement but…” gives you licence to dump your judgemental “truth” all over someone else, think again. The most powerful thing you can do when you find yourself judging is to acknowledge it eg: “I am judging (you/me/what’s occurring) right now and I am feeling upset/angry/frustrated (whatever it is). Then choose how you want to respond rather than go looking for agreement about your judgements.

The truth is, you judge, I judge, everybody judges. We judge every day in many ways – both large and small, covert and overt, extreme and subtle. Recognise that you do judge and rather than judge yourself for that, love yourself, tell the truth and be responsible for your truth and your judgements.

A few weeks ago, I turned 50 and was showered with acknowledgement, love, flowers, well wishes and beautiful gifts, one of which was a gorgeous silver ring from Tiffany & Co. When I opened the blue box I was in raptures! It was perfect. – perfect shape and design and although a little loose, I wore it anyway. (You probably know what’s coming…) Five days later, it slipped off my finger and when I realised it was gone I had a brief moment of certainly it was somewhere in my house then the self-judgement started: “stupid”; “irresponsible”; etc and things got very ugly and very stressful.

With the old paradigm “not good enough” running the show, I frantically searched everywhere. No ring. I tossed and turned through the night and the next day I asked a colleague for some support. He helped me see that I was agreeing with my self-condemnation (not good enough again!!), that (obviously) I had become attached to the ring yet had not really let myself “have” it; and that the whole truth included that I wore the ring when it was loose because I loved it and wanted to enjoy it (not that I was “just stupid and irresponsible”)!

It took a while to process all my feelings and become aware of the whole. And then I got it: every time I judge myself (and others) I push away. When I remember I am responsible, that I am “cause”, that everything is always happening perfectly, when I accept and let go, things shift. When I accept rather than judge I feel at peace.

Two days later I spotted the ring under my bed (where I had searched before!) and I let myself fully receive it. And yesterday I took it back to Tiffany where it is being resized!