Before I open my mouth to speak (which I do a lot), I know my energy has already positioned me in your mind and our relationship has already begun based on this energetic exchange.

When I am mindful of being who I am and allow the energy of love to inform and lead the way in my conversation or interaction with you, I experience more of what I am giving -love.

And when I forget and am deep in my fearful “not good enough stuff”, I get back exactly what I have given – fear.

Seems so simple … just choose to BE loving and that’s that.

Except it is not … because although I choose consciously to be loving, my automatic habit is to shut down when I feel vulnerable or uncomfortable. And even though I often physically stay, the energy of love that I am simply shuts down and I withdraw.

My most recent example of this was a lunch and shopping day with some girlfriends. I went because I didn’t want to miss out even though I was feeling quite tired and disconnected and didn’t feel like shopping. While we ate our lunch, I was aware I was not fully engaged and yet “hoped” I was doing enough to engage and be sociable. After lunch, I did a bit of shopping but quickly realised I didn’t feel like being there anymore … so I chose to go to a cafe and have a cup of tea and asked the girls to collect me when they all finished their shopping so we could go home together.

The next day, one of them asked me what was going on with me … and wanted to know if they had done something and if I was withdrawing from the group …

That was a slap upside the head for me … I realised that in my energy funk, I had not communicated anything that was going on for me, yet my energetic shut down was felt by all of them and in the absence of clear communication from me, they made up what they thought it meant, again out of fear. I assured them I was not leaving the group and just had a lot of stuff going on that I was processing and feeling and not ready to share. I was gently admonished to just say so next time and thus avoid the drama!

So once again, I am confronted by my own messy human process and rather than make myself wrong, I truly see it as a powerful opportunity to remember I am love and that’s the energy I want to speak and be heard.