Communication literally means to share – thoughts, feelings, facts, information etc. Yet it is not sufficient or effective to share only the surface stuff without being explicit and clear about what you actually mean.

Before you communicate anything, you need to look beneath the surface of the stuff you want to say to get clear about what you want the other to understand before you start communicating. There is a huge difference in the efficacy of your communication when you clearly and explicitly communicate context before blahing out all your content.

The meaning of your communication IS the response you get … which means that whatever comes back in response explicitly shows you what the other actually understood … what they actually thought you meant … which may be quite different to what you expected them to understand.

As I have said before, being “misunderstood” is a myth … what’s really going on is a failure on your part to effectively communicate what you mean before you communicate anything else.

Whenever you feel misunderstood, rather than simply reacting and ending up in the fruitless blame game of the A>B conversation, stop … take a breath and ask yourself:

“What did I want this person to understand from my communication? How is that different to what they actually understood? What didn’t I say, that once said, would have this person understand me the way I intended?”

Then communicate what you mean – openly, honestly, clearly, directly and completely and keep communicating until they get what you mean and you get they got it.

When you tell me what you mean, I have a context within which to truly understand what you mean to say rather than making up what I think you mean.

Shoulding all over yourself and others is a guaranteed strategy to stop you getting the outcome you want in your communication and relationships.

Every time you find yourself thinking: “I shouldn’t have to tell that person … how I feel; what I expect; what I need … because they should know” and then agree with your thoughts and feelings, you stop effective communication in it’s tracks. The result – you end up feeling frustrated, unsatisfied and righteous! And nothing changes.

Everyone makes up their own meaning about whatever is going on. What you perceive as rudeness or a personal attack is often not what is consciously intended from the other side. Yet time and time again you react emotionally to this perceived attack as if the other is deliberately doing something to “make you” feel the way you do.

Remember this: Other people do not necessarily share your view of the world. Other people cannot read your mind and if you don’t tell them what you mean, they cannot respond effectively.

And that’s the issue. Your unwillingness to communicate openly, honestly, clearly, directly and completely when you feel emotionally triggered is because of how you feel. Then you get stuck in your head, convincing yourself that you are feeling the way you do because of someone else’s behaviour. You tell yourself that “they should know better” and thus feel you shouldn’t have to say anything or do anything about it because “they should know”.

Yet, the truth is, they don’t know what you mean if you don’t tell them. No matter how many times you think “but they should know …” it doesn’t change anything.

So next time you are caught up “shoulding’” all over the place, stop, take a breath … allow your feelings to move through you … and speak up.